Supplication

Lord, I am afraid of hope.
No good reason, I know.
Plenty of good reasons, I feel.

I acquiesce your sovereignty
Over clothing and food.
Lily of the valley,
Sparrow of the field,
Yes, even the least of these.

Never mind needs.
Wants are the stuff of hope,
And these I refuse to count on
With good reason.
Good isn’t about getting what I want.
And Lord you are so good.

So you see I doubt myself,
To know good when I see it.
I feel Total Depravity deep in my core.
The heart is deceitful
Above all things.

So Lord I’m scared to tell you
What I want.
I’m afraid it won’t be good enough,
Afraid even that the very speaking will negate
Any positive response
You may otherwise have been considering.

I know all the Bible answers for this problem of mine.
But I’m betting on the fact
That you want to hear from me.
So here I am,
And here is what I want:

To see hopes fulfilled.
To hear YES while I still care.
To trust that somehow
Good doesn’t always mean NO.
To know and feel your love.
For that love to be enough.

Lord hear my prayer.

Amen.

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Prayer Excerpted

Lord, you do not grow tired or weary,
Yet I still worry that you will tire
Of my asking for the same thing, again
Asking for what I am still unsure
I actually want.

You know, I’ve become accustomed to Fear;
I press close to it as a familiar friend,
My surety in the midst of all other uncertainties,
Making me, for a moment,
The master of my own miserable little kingdom.

Every day is a gift, so they say,
But I squander these days you’ve given me,
Hoping for a new set that will be more to my liking,
Laid out neatly and just as I prefer:
A future defined and dependable.

So what I ask, Lord, is to be glad
In this day.
The future still stands vague and terrifying,
But right now I plead for Peace, for Hope,
Just for today,
Knowing I can seek you again tomorrow.

Knowing Doesn’t Always Translate

You know you’re safe, right?
It’s just the fear,
Just the fear telling you what to do:
A recoiling from the appearance of danger,
Forgetting the reality of harnesses and ropes.

So I tell myself I’m not afraid;
I tell everyone else as well.
I pretend to be daring and courageous–
Exercising my cunning skills
In lying to myself
And presenting a brave front.

I hope no one sees my hands shake,
Or the way I feel my feet
Almost slipping.
My stomach is a thousand tangles.

You know you’re safe, right?
You can come down if you want,
But you’re letting Fear decide.
Is that what you want?

So I climb higher and higher
With sweaty palms and shivering knees
Until I reach the top.
I hear cheering which I’d rather pretend
I didn’t need,
As if I’d conquered something.

And with feet to the edge
I hope no one will hear my breath leave
When I jump.
Can they see how white my knuckles are?

Count to three then jump.
You know you’re safe, right?

One, two, three…